Comebacks for Cat Haters

posted: 05/15/12
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Smart people like cats.
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Nasty cat comments linger like the smell in a full litter box. The anti-cat human, always ready to pounce with a tactless statement, blurts: "I HATE cats. I just can't stand them." And the unspoken follow-up is difficult to ignore: "What's wrong with YOU that you're such a cat person?" Finding the right words to respond to such a slam isn't always easy. You don't really want to engage in a cat fight, but as a cat parent, you can tolerate only so many of these outright insults to your pet.

The only way to ease your pain and shut down the cat offender is a perfectly timed, snarky comeback. Declaw the cat hater with one of these zingers:

You sound perfectly reasonable. You're agreeing with him. He's right, after all. Cats deserve hatred, and you've proven it by providing such an amenable response to his statement. He's about to nod in agreement, when he realizes you've lobbed a little time-bomb insult, set to detonate as soon as it's understood. Score one for the cat people. You've achieved superiority, offering up a subtle compliment for yourself, plus a sly putdown to the feline hater. Cats do appreciate intelligence and independence, and they'd embrace this comeback as their own -- if they deigned to be anywhere near a cat-hating troll.

No matter what the cat hater's plans for the day consist of -- carpool, grocery shopping, running a marathon -- nothing compares to what cats are doing: taking over the galaxy. And once cats take over, cat haters will have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

The dog is blameless: He didn't ask for the super protein detangling cream rinse coat treatment and nail-trimming. His human just paid the price of too many lattes for a doggie bubble bath, only to bring Rex home and watch him roll ecstatically in a mud puddle. Meantime, your cat leisurely licks his paw and meticulously works it from nose to tail. Missed a spot -- or stripe? No biggie: The cat just starts again.

Yes, remind the cat hater of that fast-disappearing glow of youth she thinks is hers to hold. When she states that she hates cats, her brow furrows, producing wrinkles. Her mind becomes clouded with negativity. And your calmly delivered comeback helps her to realize her folly.

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Women find men who own cats very sexy.
Thomas Northcut/Digital Vision | iStockphoto | Hill Street Studios/Getty Images |

A classic line. You've gone all academic here, tapping into some fictional professor's take on how cats rule the world. Who can argue with "studies"? And you've even shown real regret about the insulter's predicament: He thought he was the perfect postmodern guy; you've just busted his fantasy. He can pour on the fancy aftershave, brag about his stock portfolio or show off that new hybrid car. But he lacks the essential chic magnet that instantly brands him sensitive, compassionate and indifferent to shedding. Cats as manly accessories: Coming to a bachelor pad near you?

This should make the cat hater happy, but it won't. She wants the world to know how she feels about cats, but she can't imagine acknowledging how cats feel about her. The idea that cats might dislike her is unsettling. While she preaches about the many flaws of cats, cats say: "We're just not that into you." The cat hater's self-importance is reduced to kitty litter.

No IQ test needed: The kid tosses a tantrum and demands an iPad. Your cat sits smugly in the window, knowing you'll bring home a new scratch pad anytime he wants one. Teen daughter threatens to leave home unless she gets a new dress, stretch limo and no curfew for prom night. Your cat wouldn't dream of leaving home -- the mutt might eat all the delish food. Cats study their surroundings. Kids won't study, pop in their ear buds and text all day and night. OMG, R u kdng? Cts dnt txt.

Where there's a will, there's a way to collect. OK, sure, the cat hater knows your cat doesn't have millions of bucks, and probably not even millions of catnip mice. But no one likes to be cut out of a will. The cat hater feels like a loser, wondering what she'll miss out on by despising the generous tabby. After all, the cat had the good taste to put her in the will in the first place -- even if everything now goes to that cat-loving TV host Regis!

For a true feline hater, imagining life as a cat is pure torture. Chasing mice? Eating that pinkish guck out of a can? Puking up hairballs? You'll see a visible shudder from the cat hater after this comeback. In truth, life as a cat would be the perfect existence. Lazy naps in the sun. Lovingly prepared meals. Top-quality toys, entertainment, and endless affection and adulation. That's way more than any cat hater deserves, in this life or the next. But she'll never know because she's certain she'd rather come back as anything else. How about a cockroach?

BOOM! Direct hit to the cat hater's vanity! All the diet sodas and elliptical machines in the world won't erase a comment like this one. Even someone whose weight is ideal will feel the sting. And this sting keeps on stinging -- a guaranteed earworm. A "Garfield" comic strip, a cat food commercial -- everywhere she looks, cats are preening, as if they know why those skinny jeans refuse to zip.

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